Merry Christmas

Facebook is being an asshole. So instead of uploading it there it's going on here for everyone to enjoy.

Some writing for you

I know how lazy people can be when they go on the internet. It's always the same. Check email, check Facebook, look at some porn, go for a sandwich. I'm not judging you.

That's why I've decided to post a couple of reviews I've just written for Get To The Front here. To save you time in getting to that sandwich or getting off.

Artist: BYOB

Album: Everything In Moderation

Released: 25 October

Reviewed by: Tim Horner

‘Everything In Moderation’ is an apt if somewhat ironic title for BYOB’s debut album. BYOB (aka Ashley Hamilton) has combined some seriously infectious and possible chart disturbing tracks (see Peaches, Young Living and Best Shoes) with a considerable helping of filler. Moderation indeed. Add to the fact that the majority of tracks concern the copious consumption of drugs and alcohol and you can see his sense of humour at work.

At his best, BYOB combines cutting witty lyrics with pulsing electronic beats, taking influence from The Prodigy and The Streets in what could be a crossover classic. In Chillin’ BYOB is Mike Skinner-esque with a dab of social commentary, self-awareness and smart vocal interplay with the samples.

Peaches is a grime hijack of The Stranglers’s 1970 classic. Thankfully it doesn’t rely on the original sample too heavily, instead taking its own route down the beach to take in all the picturesque sights. “There’s nowhere else in the world I would rather be” chants the chorus, an escape from the winter that we all need.

At 21 years old, BYOB sounds like he’s been on the scene for half his life. In Young Living he taps into a youthful energy and confidence that many of our generation either possess or want to “I live my life how I like / Too much fun don’t make me a sinner / And too many drinks don’t make me an alcoholic”. BYOB could soon find himself Public Enemy Number One of the Daily Mail in their constant campaign to keep ‘the youth’ away from consumption of any substance other than chocolate and sweets. While I Like It shows a consciousness lacking from other artists “Why is everything bad so good for me, why is everything good so bad?” which could save him from the grip of middle England’s outrage.

Everything In Moderation is a strong first album from a promising artist who has the best chance of breaking into the mainstream. But ripping the melody from The Bangles’ Walk Like An Egyptian on a track about taking coke and exchanging it for sex is a bizarre combination for even the most hardened listener.

7/10

Artist: A Silent Film

Album: The City That Sleeps

Released: 27^th September

Reviewed by: Tim Horner

‘The City That Sleeps’ is a re-release of Oxford quartet A Silent Film’s debut album from last year. Over 10 tracks the piano led foursome produce energetic orchestral tunes that bring to mind the likes of Keane and Coldplay. Unfortunately they’re not Keane or Coldplay.

At times you can hear U2 trying to break through, but once again A Silent Film lack the magic, power or charisma of their established rivals. Their tunes are big, there’s no denying that. They’ve got some serious talent between them. But something is lacking.

Driven By Their Beating Hearts as an opener brings a tempo that is hard to follow up. Somehow they manage to keep the pace but at the same time lose any vested interest. The vocals are irritating in a grating against the brain kind of way. On top of that, there’s little variation. All the songs sound pretty much the same.

You Will Leave A Mark offers a double time drum beat that at least knocks you out of the monotony offered up to that point, while Julie June opts of the offbeat to lull you into a false sense of interest.

A Silent Film must be doing something right as the original release of the album received praise from Steve Lamacq and bagged them a spot on the BBC Introducing stage at Glastonbury. They’ve also spent a bit of time playing in the United States, supporting The Smashing Pumpkins.

If you like Coldplay but find them a bit too interesting, if you like Keane but find their tunes a bit too catchy, A Silent Film could be right up your street. But personally, this album makes me feel like a resident of The City That Sleeps. Asleep: all the way through it.

3/10

See what I mean?

Still Not Yossarian

It's been over two months since I last posted on here. What's happened? Well, what can you do in two months? Drink about 150 cups of tea, brush your teeth approximately 120 times, yeah, there's a lot you can do in two months. There's also loads you can't do.

I couldn't do my Economist internship. That fucking stung.

Seriously, talk about ripping something away from under your nose. And the mean bastard who did so? The bloody government. Benefit swiping cunts.

So the prospect of providing free labour to a prestigious newspaper was taken away from me, with all the pre-imagined dreams of a paid position in the media. Thanks for killing my dreams Department of Work and Pensions (and dream crushing).

I'm now working in a bar/restaurant for about 30-50 hours a week. It's pretty time consuming. But there's always room for hope. I'm now writing reviews for Get To The Front where I'm slowly building up a portfolio of music reviews and a nice pile of free CDs. The guys are even sending me to cover the Bizarre Ball! Must remember that I'm going there for work...

This is the best picture I could find from last year's ball

I'm also about to start a writing job with Future First. They set up school alumni networks to improve career aspirations in young people. I get to meet the inspirational ones, hear their stories and write them into inspirational articles. Inspiring eh?

So, the moral of the story? Don't let the bastards grind you down. Oh and don't spend all your time blogging when you could be writing more productive stuff.

Dream of Californication

Californication premiered about three years ago. That should be long enough for people to forget my lazy TV/RHCP reference. Anyway. It's only a headline right? Headlines are important? Yeah, I know. But this is my blog. So fuck it.

I've got a habit for getting into shit well after the hype has settled. It's a safe way of enjoying a cultural commodity without getting sucked into the surrounding shitstorm. My life is busy enough to spare a few minutes watching TV. I don't need to read about said TV show in magazines, websites or shows about the show.

So enter my newest viewing pleasure. Californication. If you saw it first time round, congratulations. I didn't. It was shown on five (uncapitalised right?), which was a channel I either a) couldn't receive in Cornwall; or b) only watched American sports on. I forget which it was.

I vaguely remember hearing murmurs about it when it first came out. But the inner cynic saw a dangerous combination and stuck to his hype avoiding ways. five didn't show any good shows (so how why would it start showing them?) and the plot of the show stank of cliché that no amount of Chanel 5 could cover up. Damn my inner cynic. (This is a note to myself.)

Californication revolves around protagonist Hank (David Duchovny) an LA based writer who can't write. [Cynical yet?] He drinks too much, has a child with his ex-girlfriend (not wife, so 21st Century) whom he's still in love with. But at the same time he has sex with everything that moves (well, they are all hot at least, well done Hank) including the 16-year old daughter of the guy that is going to marry his ex-girlfriend. He also chain smokes, confirming the old saying that smoking makes you look cool and gets you laid. There's the odd bit of coke thrown in there too, but we didn't have any old sayings about that in school. Ah... it's sounding better now.

The show could easily fall down on so many level but it doesn't. Duchovny brings charm by the crapped out Porsche load. All memories of Mulder disappear within the first five seconds. Natasha McElhone shines as his long-suffering ex (Karen) and instantly you too want to get back with her. You'll also want to be a chain smoking, chain fucking machine like Hank. To offset Hank's smooth approach is his agent Charlie (Evan Handler, Harry from Sex And The City). Charlie is a boob. A likeable boob. But a boob nonetheless. A classic Odd Couple pairing. Charlie's sub plots are as entertaining as the main event, although in Charlie's screen time he is the only boob in shot.


The guy is so cool he doesn't need to wear trousers. I'm gonna start using that as a defence: "Sorry officer, the reason I'm not wearing any trousers is because I'm a chain smoking, chain fucking, drug and coke fuelled writer."

It's good to know that Hollywood has time for narcissistic, self defeating characters WHO ACTUALLY HAVE SOME CHARACTER. I steer clear of most TV because I wouldn't want to be in the same room as most the people on TV. Yet Californication has come up with one that I'd want to be in ten years time. Screw the dreams of reality TV contestants (singers, businessmen, cunts) or the conveyor belt of spoilt American brats (The OC, The Hills, The Cunts). This show is perfect for anyone who's ever wondered quite how cool it would be to be a writer. That's everyone, right?

This is possibly the greatest advert for smoking/writing/fucking/borderline alcoholism I've ever seen. Buy me a star on the boulevard, this fictional bastard is putting us all to shame.

[And yes, I realise the irony of writing about a TV show despite not having time to read things about TV shows.]

Not Ramsey nor Oliver, but I've got a Nigella

If you've ever met me before, you'll know that I'm not the largest person in the world. Scratch that. I know what you're thinking. I'm pretty average down there to be honest.

Simply put: I'm ridiculously skinny. Like model skinny. I have a body that 16 year old girls would kill for (except the boobs, I have no chest, literally).

It's quite strange that in my dark past I've worked as a cook in several restaurants and cafés. But then that's the side of me that cares more about other people than myself. I'm lazy when it comes to cooking for one.

Olivia, my girlfriend, on the other hand, is a great cook. So much so, she's started a Tumblr of the things she puts in her mouth. She's like Nigella Lawson, but younger. She puts me to shame. Here's some of her home made sushi.



She's pretty good at deserts too.



Aren't you jealous? I am. She's gone back home for the summer. I'm suffering!

So I thought I'd upload my efforts at dinner. Where Olivia can come up with a delicious three course meal for two for under a tenner (usually less), I fail to feed myself a one course on the meagre budget I have. Except today.



Mmm... Sainsbury's reduced quarter pounder burgers on a bed of rocket, cress and lettuce, with homemade caramelised onions and chips. Heart attack inducing.

Can you come back to London now?

Sunday Guilty Pleasure I

I think my blog needs a regular kinda thang. So here's what I got. It's really late Saturday night/Sunday morning. Here it is:

Sunday Guilty Pleasure

As a British gentleman it's no secret that I'm a fan of James Bond. He's the shit. The guilty pleasure here is the theme tune (at least not a David Arnold) by Jack White and Alicia Keys from Quantum of Solace, Another Way To Die.

In the credits it doesn't sit like an Arnold arse scratch to some flash graphics. It's Jack White doing what he does best, coming at you from the other side of the room like a knife. Keys like a gun, "Shoot 'em up, bang, bang."

Over the past year since the film and soundtrack came out, I've found the tune on numerous iPods in numerous places that I've worked. I don't know if it was a free tune on iPods, or the kind of establishment I've worked in (bars/restaurants) are the stationary versions of Mondeo man envisioning himself serving Queen and country. I don't like that possibility.

Jack White can morph into any project and make i sound good. The White Stripes (awesome), The Raconteurs (does what it says on the tin), The Dead Weather (even better). Alicia Keys can give any tune an individual twist, whether she's working with Eminem, Jay-Z or J. White. Any ways, enjoy:



Not So Guilty Pleasure

Last night I headed over to Victoria Park for the Paradise Gardens festival. We arrived in time for the final act of the night. Which doesn't matter cos these guys were as good as a whole night's line up could be. I give you, Movits!



These guys have played on Colbert for fuck's sake. These guys are gonna be huge. Their sound is so fresh on the ears it's like hearing Great Balls of Fire and thinking, 'Yeah, this could go somewhere." Not often am I moved to dance, but I moved it, as the live sax accompanied the Swedish vocals (didn't even notice that) and big band beats, safe in the knowledge that every tune would go somewhere new and exciting. Swedish big band/ska/hip-hop does that.

The energy in the tent was incredible. Literally everyone was dancing in their own particular way and as the band finished their last song, dozens rushed the stage to dance with the band. I reckon you guys know they're going to be huge too.

From Poland With Huh?

Komorowski (top), Kaczyński (bottom)
[I wanted to put them left/right, but I suck at HTML]

My girlfriend went home to Warsaw, Poland this week. Fun summer? Sucks. But the silver lining the cloud is that I can take heart in that my girlfriend is a hot Polish correspondent (and cook).

My girl in the field was born in Johannesburg and grew up as Nelson Mandela took his nation out of apartheid. The outcome of the election in Poland on Sunday could be as revolutionary for the country as it was in South Africa last century. She has a view almost as an outsider, with parents and TV to fill in the blanks. Here’s what I got from what she’s got:

Jarosław Kaczyński, twin brother of former president Lech - killed along with his wife and 94 tragic others - wants to bring an end to an era of secrets in government as well as his country. Recently, a list has been published online of those who had links or did favors for the old Communist Party. The degree of involvement is unknown until personal files become public. Kaczyński wants what the Freedom of Information Act allows here. Kaczyński is the only candidate running who has nothing to hide, in terms of relationships with the old flame, the girl next door.

Komorowski, Kacyzński's prime opponent, has a history of personal attacks on the former. Baiting seems to be the only thing he does on his hours on TV news. Unlike Kaczyński, Komorowski doesn’t want the files to go public. What has he to hide?

Britain’s stumble into a coalition was widely observed through all possible angles through more media than ever. What was recorded wasn’t very interesting in the end at least in this country (apart from the amusing ones, Biggotgate and ‘Sky News is shit’ unless Adam Boulton is causing some mirth). Poland lacks the luxury of terrestrial rolling news we take for granted. News broadcasts go out in regular slots, depending on how and where you receive your news, you often get told a different story. The news, like here, enjoys employing opinion polls. And the Pole’s polls shown on screen have already moved on to the next round of elections predicting 60:40 in favour of Komorowski. But as Komorowski spends his time attacking Kaczyński, Kaczyński spends his pushing his policy. One late evening news broadcast reported on a newsagent who had sold out issues of a magazine with Kaczyński and his wife on the cover. Komorowski doesn’t sell so well.

Komorowski’s lead in the opinion polls could be accurate, but it could be like in South Africa. My mum said she’d vote for de Klerk but went with Mandela. In Poland you’ve got to know someone to get a waitressing job, old connections still exist, so appearances can be deceiving.

Whichever way the election goes on Sunday in Poland, the outcome will be crucial for the future of the nation. As my Polish correspondent put it, "If Komorowski gets in we’ll have more dealings with Russia, if Kaczyński wins there are no more secrets. We’re fighting for the truth."

My Work Experience

The idea of this post (today's school task) was to talk about where I'd like to go on work experience through Catch-22. But yesterday I had a feedback session with the guys at Catch-22 and they told me where they've put me forward for. So I'm going to talk about them.

Yeah. That's what I thought. I must be doing something right if they think I can hack it at such a prestigious title. But what would a guy like me, get from a publication like The Economist? After a chat with my mentors, we decided: a hell of a lot.

The Economist is one of the most, if not the most revered weekly paper in the world. Since its inception in 1843 it has reported on free trade, globalisation, government spending and intervention around the world. It is unique as a publication in that everything reported is reported by The Economist. There are no bylines. It speaks with a collective voice, which Geoffrey Crowther (editor from 1938-1956) keeps the editor "not the master but the servant of something far greater than himself. You can call that ancestor-worship if you wish, but it gives to the paper an astonishing momentum of thought and principle."

The Economist is half owned by the Financial Times and half owned by independent shareholders, which include members of staff. The editor's independence is guaranteed, as he is appointed by a board of trustees and cannot be removed without their permission.

Despite The Economist catering for a readership of highly intelligent, highly influential people, with high incomes, its circulation is surprisingly high. In 2009 it reported an average of 1.6 million per issue. The UK makes up 14% of this, continental Europe 19% and the USA over 50%. It is a truly global publication reaching more than 200 countries around the world.

The Economist's competition comes from The New Internationalist and The New Statesman. However these titles do not exactly provide the same content or editorial stance as The Economist. The New Internationalist was formed in the 1970s when the charities Oxfam and Christian Aid wanted to encourage people to learn more about development, its strapline is: 'the people, the ideas and the action in the fight for world development'. The New Statesman provides a similar theme of development, but from a left-wing point of view, which keeps "true to its heritage of radical politics" according to John Kampfner its editor in 2006. Neither of these titles however have circulations anywhere near The Economist, posting 75,000 and 23,000 respectively.

The Economist is in the process of a major subscription increasing marketing drive. 600,000 copies of a sampler edition are being handed out for free on the London Underground in an attempt to bring in new readers.

Maybe this is what I'm more suited to. As a straight twentysomething male I can't help but fall into the cliche of being obsessed with girls and gadgets. Well, I'm not obsessed with girls and gadgets, but I am a big fan of pretty girls and I do enjoy new technologies. Ah cock it, go on: I am a cliche.

Stuff provides more than the average titty magazine, as it actually has content about things. Shiny, expensive things. And the amount of sexy ladies in the magazine is kept to minimal levels. It seems to be more of an eye catching device. Yes feminists, us men are that stupid. Owned by the Haymarket group, which produces titles such as Autocar, Autosport, Autocar, Classic FM, F1 Racing, FourFourTwo, Gramophone, Practical Caravan and What Hi-Fi? Sound and Vision, it's not exactly surprising that their expertise and focus lies in the technology as opposed to the softcore that Loaded, FHM et al provide. The Stuff is consumer electronics, gadgets and lifestyle products. From hi-fis to fast cars, computers, cameras and phones, through in depth features, product reviews and previews, Stuff promotes everything the modern man needs.

Stuff posts a circulation of 100,000 per month, which makes it the sixth highest men's monthly in the UK despite its niche focus. Stuff's biggest competitor in the market is T3, which provides the same mix of gadgets and goods with the occasional girl. T3 has a circulation circa 60,000 per month but has recently head hunted Stuff's former editor Michael Brook to catch up.

But which title will be best suited to me? And which will provide me with the best opportunity to develop and prove my journalistic skills? We'll find out when I come back from the interviews with either my tail between my legs of a grin like a Cheshire cat.

30 Seconds In The Mind Of...

Stephen Isaac-Wilson is a fellow cohort on the Catch-22 academy.



We recently spoke about the most inane things that came to mind...

Not Yosarrian: What did you want to be when you were growing up?

Stephen: I can't remember... When I was young I wanted to be a doctor, but then I got into swimming so I wanted to be a swimmer.

N.Y.: What's the scariest situation you've ever been in? Have you ever feared for your life?

S.I.W.:Not really, I've had quite a secured kind of life.

You can follow Stephen's own Catch-22 blog Catch Me If You Can by clicking that line just there. He's on Twitter too @Isaac_01

N.Y.: Living or dead, who would be at your dream dinner party?

S.I.W.:Naomi Campbell, Michael Jackson and Elvis Presley




Stephen would have an awesome party on his hands with these guys

N.Y.:If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

S.I.W.:My memory, it's terrible.


N.Y.:Where do you see yourself in 10 years' time?

S.I.W.:On a yacht. No, I should say working somewhere. Actually, no, I don't want to be working. I want to be on that yacht!

Mr Isaac-Wilson's Vital Statistics:

Favourite website:

Favourite tune:




Favourite YouTube video:

If this was an episode of Scrubs

If this was an episode of Scrubs it would be at this point that I'd hear my inner monologue pointing out the pitfalls in my life and how to overcome them.

There would probably be more slapstick comedy and a stuffed Labrador involved.



There's no Labrador around here.

As I'm sat in Green Park, there are quite a few painted elephants. If I looked up, I'm sure I'd see one of the French school kids inflicting another with some comedy pain.

I don't have time to do that.

I'm faced with a total Catch-22. I'm writing a feature on musicians gaining a following using novel methods. Methods that don't involve the internet/social networking. With the internet as my primary source and social networking saturated with basement musicians, it's too easy to waste time looking down that fruitless avenue.

What's that? Can I hear Dr Cox shouting at me in my subconscious?

"Grow a pair newbie!"

That's just what I needed to hear.

Focus On The Good Things

This is more of a reminder to myself more than anything.

Yesterday when you were getting off the tube, a nice man alerted your attention to the piece of paper that fell out of your pocket.

Earlier that day, some idiot exited the tube, taking with him your new headphones, but luckily not the phone they were attached to.

Think of the nice man. Not the idiot. No matter how hilarious it was to lose a pair of minute old headphones.

And now you don't have any headphones, don't be a twat that listens to their music through the crappy in-built speaker. Read a book. Or a newspapers. Or a magazine. You've listened to The White Stripes way too much recently.

That's Right, I'm Not Yossarian

Sorry to get your hopes up. Although I am involved in a programme called Catch-22 which is helping me through a Catch-22 situation, my name is not Yossarian.

Please do not confuse this man:



With this man:



One is a fictional American bomber pilot. The other is not. The other is an English writer, me.

This blog is about the latter. Not many people have written about me. I'm not the protagonist of one of the greatest books of the 20th Century. No matter how much I'd like to think we have in common.

The man:

"Who is this non-fictional man talking to me?" I hear you ask.

My name is Tim Horner. A London based Cornishman pursuing a career in journalism. I studied Journalism BA (Hons) at University College Falmouth where I achieved a 2:1, now it's time to prove my skills in the real world. You see? I'm nothing like Yossarian.

The mission:

Catch-22 has offered me the chance to put my skills to work in a learning environment which focuses on the end result. Basically, it's a route into journalism for those who can't or don't want to take the university route or don't have the required financial background to allow for an indefinite amount of time doing unpaid internships.

• The academy is teaching me things that my degree didn't


• The academy won't leave me with £xx,xxx's of debt


• The academy has better links to the industry I want to get into


• I don't have to write a DISSERTATION. I eventually enjoyed writing my dissertation at university. But I don't have time to write another. This is a good thing.
  

As a media graduate, I'm getting the best of both worlds. From the course I'm learning to better the skills I've already learnt, whilst feeling a little smug about already knowing things on the course curriculum. It's not all big headedness either, as it turns out I didn't learn everything at school. Even if I did, there's a fair chance some of it has slipped from my memory. (I am not saying I learnt everything at school. I got a 2:1. Remember?)

One of the course's strengths is that it gives students a chance to work on different areas within journalism. This allows us to get an idea of our strengths and weaknesses. So far on the course we've dabbled in interviewing and transcribing, pegs and angles, ethics and legalities, as well as my swotty favourite: subbing.

Can you guess what this week's tasks are focused around?



My experiences of journalism have yet to reach the heady heights of those that inspired me. But then, I'm not an employed journalist so I can't expect it to be as exciting as these guys have got it, yet:







So I invite you to keep up with the Heller task I've got on my hands. It's not going always going to be pretty. But I'm going to escape this Catch-22. Wait a second. Yossarian managed that (sorry to spoil the ending). Maybe we do have some things in common.